I had the weirdest day I just forgot everything all day long. I forgot to take my x-rays into the orthodontist (who laughed at me when I told him that I had to pay for my own braces... if I decide to get them) I forgot my security pass so I couldn't actually get into work. I forgot my lunch so I had to go but it. I forgot that I parked my car across the road, I forgot to tell my supervisor that I have to leave early tomorrow. I just kept forgetting stuff. It was very disconcerting.
There, how's that for a boring entry Josef?
I got home on saturday afternoon after going to the markets and discovered that my father had taken it upon himself to clean up my room. There is somehting incredibly disturbing about opening your underwear drawer and finding everything inside it neatly folded and completely rearranged. Before you all start thinking that my dad is a complete pervert let my just tell you that he tidied up all my drawers and not just that one but I'm still left thinking where is the line? And at which point exactly did he cross it? And then how do I deal with this. I haven't lived with my dad for 4 years and I only moved back in at the beginning of this year how on earth did he get it into his head that it would be alright to go into my room without asking permission. Not to mention put away my clothes? Anyone out there got any ideas on what to say to him????
Just went to see the movie. Very cool, a nice piece of frivolity. A good reminder of what the cinematic experience is all about, escaping from the day to day for a few brief moments and immersing yourself in another reality. I recommend it. It's good for a laugh. I also recommend a few funky little CD stores to all of you in adelaide who like an eclectic array of music at knock down prices, their called Sounds Familiar. There's one in Southern Cross Arcade, one in City Cross Arcade and one in North Adelaide. Maybe I'm the only person who hasn't been to one before but they are really cool.
I feel a bit like I just peeled back the covering off my very soul and let someone peek inside. It's a bit raw. You know that feeling when you share something with someone that, although you are ready to share, feels like it should still be a secret.
Ok.... well it's been a while. I'm prolly writing this to no one cause everyone has given up bothering to check my journal. Being off line sucks arse. But when you realise the only reason you go to work is for the internet and even the persuasion of unlimited surfing time is not enough to make you want to put up with your wanker of a boss anymore it is definitely time to hand in your notice. So that's what I did. I left. I told them to shove their shitty job. And still was forced to make the obligatory 'I loved working here!' speeches. So now I'm all for new beginnings. But then I have well proven that beginnings are pretty much all I'm good at. Finishing is my problem. I don't think I've ever really finished much in my life. And the things that I have finished I have not finished well. Ok. That's enough of that. I'm going for a walk. I have much to think about.... well not really, only what I'm going to wear tomorrow for the first day of my new temp job.
Carmen says that I should write about my sandwich in my journal.... The ultimate stodge-fest. It's pretty gross but I don't think that it is quite journal worthy. You know what is journal worthy? I'm making my Dad lasagne for dinner tomorrow night. He does all the cooking so last night he suggested that it's about my turn to cook so instead of taking that as an insult I've decided to take it as an invitation. I'm going to get all the goodies tonight on my way home. How cool is that? And he has never had my lasagne. And it's killer lasagne. Trust me.
It's thursday and I'm only just getting to writing about my weekend.... For a long weekend it was pretty shit. Go Adelaide Cup Day! We have a public holiday for a horse race.... And we try to tell ourselves that we aren't living in one fucked up world. Anyway, Friday night... Brown Hornet at Bar 107... I didn't mind it. I went with absolutely no expectations therefore I was not disappointed. I had fun, they sounded pretty funky. All in all not a bad night. Saturday I started rearranging my room. I still haven't finished by the way. Hopefully I will get it done this weekend. I'm trying to get my desk in my room so that I have a designated place for study. Anyway I forgot to go to my grans for afternoon tea. Bad mistake she now thinks that I am dead. Which reminds me I need to call her. Ok.... Done that! Anyway.... After I didn't show at Grandma's I went to the Gov to see Gilli play. Felt kinda out of place and then left figuring he wouldn't be on for a while, we were right he didn't play until 12 so that was cool. We went to the Cranka and saw Mothdust then went back to the gov to see Gilli. Then we went to the Pancake House. That place rocks but I think it is to blame for my spreading waistline so I'm cutting down on what I eat there (Carmen help me!) Anyway I slept in on Sunday and missed Church for which I copped a lot of shit for yesterday evening at cell group. Then I got up and continued rearranging my room and watched Leathal Weapon and Leathal Weapon 2 with my Dad. Then that evening I went to the Pancake House with Carmen and Toby. We talked movies then we went home. Monday I slept. Pretty much all day. Tuesday I also slept missing all of my Tutes and Lectures for the day. Wednesday.... I showed up at Uni.... My brain was at home in bed, sleeping. Then I went to work. Then I went to Cell Group and got home in time to watch Angel, but only on free to air I missed it on fox.... God this is a boring entry. Kinda pointless too.... But I'm leaving it here just for it's pointlessness value.... That makes no sense.
Life sucks. Why do I allow myself to be walked all over by people? Why do I allow people to treat me like shit? To make fun of my personal stands of what I believe? I know that they don't see it as that but that is what it is.
I've been avoiding the diary issue for quite some time now. Even when I've been writing in it it hasn't been with much honesty. And journalling isn't the only thing I've been avoiding. I've been avoiding everything. School, friends, live in general. I'm trapped again in this horrible world. In this place that I excape from life by reading pointless texts. Where I'm not comfortable being me and I feel "me" being called into question every five minutes. Dad doesn't have to say anything I can feel his disappointment in his very manner. He is not proud of me and never has been. The truth of the matter is that I cannot fail enough for him. He wants me to fall in a heap. Because then he will be right about me. I need to get out of here. I need to escape I need to stand on my own two feet and take charge of my life and not just go where the current takes me. T do this I need money. To get money I need to work more to work more I need to quit uni. Not happening.
I haven't really been writing in here of late. I guess I have begun to think of it as pointless but it isn't. I'm going to do something about my own pointlessness. I'm going to try to change the world. And I'm going to start by learn about stuff. Man that sounds deep - let me explain.... For so long I have been merely existing in this world. I haven't been experienceing the world I have simply been moving through it consuming. I think the worst part of it is that I have been making up excuses for myself. I hust haven't cared enough to be bothered trying. We have had two World Wars and I don't eveen know why they happened. The Australian Dollar is now at half of it's value of 30 years ago and we don't even care. We have less Army troops than the LAPD has police officers. And here we are living happily in out fantasy world. Going to the footy, paying out gym memberships, living out socially unaware lives. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that we should have recreational activities. I'm just saying that we need to be socially aware along side what we choose to do in our spare time. We are supposed to be one of the richest countries on earth yet our hospitals are shutting down, in NSW our docotrs can't get public liability insurance. Our armed forces are dwindling and underfunded, our universities are dilapidated and understaffed. Where is the money? We are investing in property and in recreational activities such as football memberships, soccer stadiums, wine centres, grand prix.... What chance do we have in this world? But then what difference can I make? A girl from a city no-one's heard of in a country most people forgot about after the olympics. I'm a nobody but I have discovered that there is an advantage on being a nobody. You have nothing to lose.
It's two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep I woke up thinking about the judgements people make within the first moments of meeting you. Well actually generally these judgements are made even before they meet you. These judgements are based on individuals preconceived ideas. Based on their own personal backstory and generally have little or nothing to do with you at all. People have generally decided whether they are going to give you a chance before they even know your name. If has nothing to do with who you are as a person but everything to do with what you are wearing. Too much make up - you are vain, alternative clothing - you are weird, wearing black - you are gothic. It's pathetic. But we all do it. We decide who people are and catagorise them into their own little place in our lives before we even give them a chance to open ther mouths and input out lives in some small or great way. Enough theorising. Go to sleep.